Egg rolls, Beer, and certain holes do not mix
by getfuzzyfan04
Summary: Rated just in case. When Link and Malon get extremely drunk, Malon dares Link to do something. When he does it, hilarity ensues. That wasn't a great summary. Better one inside.


AN: Hello all! I have a new, totally random one-shot. And it has a rather embarrassing, but hilarious story behind it.

See, after reading "The Tragic Tale of Link and Mr. Pointy" (THE FUNNIEST FIC EVER) while eating an egg roll with my friend Pie, I got this idea. Well, she dared me to go find a thing about the length of a sword and try to stick it up my butt. Bad, bad idea. See, I got this old sword that was my little brother's. It's pretty little (I guess about…oh…6 inches long or so), so I was like, this will do. So I came back into the kitchen. Then Pie was like, go ahead. Then I said, 'I thought you were kidding!'. But then she said 'No…If you get it up there all the way, handle and all, then I'll give you my next week's paycheck. All of it.' Of course, I can't give up a bet like that. We get paid pretty well at Hot Topic. So I took off my jeans and slipped my panties down so that I could stick it up my butt. So I did. And it hurt like hell (It was pretty pointy, but not sharp, if you understood that), but it got up there without me bleeding or anything. Pie was all like 'Damn, my paycheck!' and I was like 'Yes! I win!'. So then, I started to try to take it out. But no. It was STUCK UP MY BUTTHOLE. I was sitting there, about to cry, while Pie was cracking up. I was like 'Help me pull, damn it!', on the verge of crying hysterically. So Pie walked over to me and then started to pull the sword out. But it didn't move. Well, it did like, a centimeter. And it hurt. And I needed to pee. And my mom and my little brother and sister would be home any minute from the mall. Then Pie said "Try to push it out like poop or something". That didn't work. So then came the butter. It was rather awkward having your best friend rub butter all over your ass. But then she started to pull and I pushed like crazy. By then I was bawling my eyes out and Pie was wetting herself from laughing so hard. I mean, there were PUDDLES on the floor from her laughing. Then, to make it better, my mom, brother, sister, and my sister's friend walked in the door while I had my jeans around my ankles and my friend's fingers were practically up my butt. My mom's jaw dropped, and my brother, sister, and my sister's friend started to crack up. So then I had to explain to my mom about the whole bet. Of course, she then started to crack up. Ha, ha. Then, my mom got one of those little eye droppers and melted some butter. Then she filled the thing with the melted butter and water to dilute it and tried to put it up my butt. She finally squeezed the little thing up there and sprayed butter all inside my…anal cavity. Then we did the whole push and pull thing again for about half an hour and half of it was out. Then we did the pull and push thing for another fifteen minutes and it FINALLY popped out. Then my mom had to take me to the doctor to check and see if my butt tissue was ripped. Somehow, it wasn't, thank God. Then I got a lecture about why you shouldn't stick things too far up your butt. Especially if it's "oddly shaped" as the doctor put it.

When I told my boyfriend, he was of course, laughing his head off. Then he was like 'You're going to an Ivy League school next year, and yet, you still didn't know that you shouldn't stick things up your ass that don't belong there.' Then he laughed at me again and I started to cry. Then he apologized and gave me some yummy kisses…so it was all good. But then again, I sort of think I shouldn't go to an Ivy League since…well…My essays sucked…but my SATs were high…whatever.

It was, hands down, my most EMBARRASSING and idiotic moment. Feel free to laugh at me without mercy as my butt stings and itches from internal chaffing and the fact that there was Country Crock up there a few hours ago.

But this fic isn't about me and my moronic decisions. It's about this:

Summary: When Link accepts a dare from a partially drunk Malon to stick his entire egg roll up his…um…butt, hilarity ensues. Bad summary, sorry.

Oh wow, I just re-read the Link and Mr. Pointy story and it says, "Don't try this at home, kids". Now I feel dumber than I did ten minutes ago, if that's possible.

Ages:

Link: 19

Malon: 19

Zelda: 19

Link's POV…

"Hey Malon…pass me another beer?" I asked her. She nodded and passed me one of the beers that we'd snuck out of her kitchen. As usual, I was over at her house, just hanging out. Neither of us have people we're going out with so we have absolutely nothing to do on Friday nights. So we just sit around, drinking and/or laughing at nothing at all. Ah, nothing like best friends.

"There you go…" She giggled slightly manically. She'd already had three beers. We sipped in silence for a while. "Hey, I have a dare for you…"

"What?" I asked after swallowing a mouthful of beer.

"I dare you…to stick this entire egg roll up your butt." She grabbed her egg roll from her plate of food. It was a pretty old egg roll; she had them for dinner about a week ago and hadn't finished the leftovers.

"Um…okay…" At that time, I was partially drunk. Of course, my motor skills were still intact, I could walk in a semi-straight line, but my common sense was way out of town.

So I took the egg roll, pulled down my tights and underwear, not caring that Malon was a girl and started to stick the crispy, compact, egg roll into my anus. It hurt pretty badly, but my sense of feeling was dulled by the beer, so it hurt less than what it would have if I was sober. But then again, if I was sober, I would have the common sense not to stick an _egg roll_ up my ass.

Anyways, once it was all the way up there, I kept pushing for some odd reason until it was hard for me to feel it with my fingers.

"Haha! I got it up there! What do I win?" I pulled up my underwear.

"Nothing. You get the satisfaction of having a toasty warm egg roll up your bum." She grinned evilly.

"Hey, that's not fair! Oh well…it does feel nice and warm." I slipped fingers up my butt to retrieve the egg roll, but I could barely reach it. "Oh goddesses! I can't get the egg roll!"

"What? Oh…that sucks…" Malon went back to swigging her beer as if that wasn't a big deal.

"It does…I need some help…" I stood there, poking my butt over and over, trying to get the lone egg roll.

"Go to what's her face…Saria! She can use her magic to get it out…" Malon finished off the last of her drink.

"Good idea…I'll see you later, Malon." I ran out of the barn, stumbling over my feet.

I hopped on Epona and rode off into the setting sun. As I started to reach the forest, I heard a familiar howl. Usually, when I have some sense, I turn and go another way. But noooo…I just had to be just drunk enough to not vomit. So I continued on. About 10 feet later, I reached a pack of what else…Wolfos. And guess what their special treat is?

No, not raccoons, moron. Egg rolls. And there was one up my anus right at that moment that they could apparently smell.

The head wolfo started to nip at Epona's legs, causing Epona to rear up. Somehow, I kept my grip, but didn't make her gallop away. So the Wolfos started to assault Epona, nipping at my butt. Finally, I realized what was happening, just as I got a big bite from one of them. I got out my arrows and kicked Epona forwards. I then turned around and shot randomly at the animals. I missed every last one of them, but I got away, luckily.

I continued to ride into the forest until I made it to Saria's house.

"Hey, Link! How are you...you smell like beer! Have you been drinking!" She yelled.

"Um…yeah…" I said. "I need help…"

"Of course you do! Come in here!" Saria pulled me inside and sat me down on a small stool. She gave me some water and a potion. "This will help you recover from your drunkenness." I chugged it down.

"Thanks…but I need other help…" I wiped my mouth with my arm.

"With what?" Saria sat next to me.

"There's an egg roll stuck up my ass. I can't get it out." I stated plainly. Saria slapped her forehead and sighed.

"How on earth did it get up there? On second thought, don't answer that. Here, let me take a look. Take off your tights." She demanded. I obeyed, removing my white tights. "Bend over." I did. I heard her get some tools or something from a drawer behind her. She then stuck something hard and cold up my butt.

"OW!" I shrieked.

"I know, it hurts…and it's cold. Just relax." I felt her gently place her hand on my butt cheeks. And again, if wasn't drunk, I wouldn't have enjoyed Saria groping my bum since she's like my mom, practically. But then, of course, I got wood. I felt myself blush all the way down to my bum.

"Sorry." I slurred.

"That's…that's alright." Saria stuttered. After a few minutes, I still couldn't feel it move. "Link, it's not moving. I think you should go to Zelda for this. She has better magic than I do." Saria pulled the cold instrument from my butt.

"Oh…okay…Um…Thanks…I guess…" I pulled up my tights carefully so I wouldn't injure myself, if you catch my drift, and left to head off to Zelda's castle.

I rode like a maniac, nearly killing two guards (Well, I ran over them with Epona…I hope they just fainted). Finally, I slipped around the corner and climbed up Zelda's wall.

And yet again, since I was drunk, this was not easy. I fell to the ground multiple times, feeling the egg roll move inside of me.

"DAMN!" I cried. Then a full head of blonde hair popped out of the window above.

"Link! Oh my goddesses! Here, climb up this ladder." Zelda popped back inside the window and came out with a ladder. I climbed up and fell into her room. "You've come to take me away! How romantic!" She squealed.

"Um…no…see, I was drinking with Malon and—" I started to explain.

"Uhg, that Malon…are you two dating?" She sat on her bed.

"No. But see, then she dared me to stick an egg roll up…my butt hole. And now it's stuck. So then I went to Saria's and she told me to come to you."

"Are you serious?" She laughed.

"Yep. And I need some help quick because I'm starting to feel like I need to take a crap."

"Okay…um…take off your pants." She instructed. I ripped down my tights. Her eyes instantly went downwards. "Nice…Okay, now…um…I don't know…but please…I have one favor to ask you…" She walked up to me.

"What?"

"Make love to me Link! Make love to me like a rabid mammoth!" She pounced on me and planted a big, wet kiss on my lips. I mumbled no, but she continued. Finally, I just shoved her off of me. "Link! Come back! Come back my sweet lover!"

I pulled up my tights as I was running towards the window and jumped out, landing on the ground with a terribly painful thud…And then I blacked out…

Roughly 3 minutes later…

"Ugh…where am I?" I finally came back to and saw a fairy swirling around my head. "Woah…How did you get out of your bottle?"

"Zelda came down and let me out. Then I healed you. Then you crapped yourself. And the egg roll fell out. So…um…that's it. You do realize that you could have just used me in the first place to heal yourself from the egg roll and being drunk." The fairy floated gently.

"Shit." I laid back down and hit my head pretty hard. And I blacked out once more.

Roughly 2 seconds later…

"Don't do that. Just go back to the forest and avoid sharp objects and egg rolls. I'm not coming back to help you with any more bull like that." The fairy sighed. "Oh wait, I forgot the moral. Do you know it, or is stupid juice still taking up 95 of your brain?"

"Um…Shredded lettuce heals the anus?" I pondered it.

"No, moron." The fairy rolled her eyes.

"Oh, then it's…Sit boo-boo, sit…Good dog."

"Goddesses, you must have been dropped when you were a child. The moral is, don't stick egg rolls or anything else up your butt. Now I'm leaving before my IQ drops even more." The fairy sped off.

"Yo momma wishes your IQ would drop..." I said as I went back to Epona and rode off into the sunset.

AN: Wow, that was possibly the dumbest thing I've ever written in my life. But just review without flames. However, you can laugh at my stupidity with my whole little sword bet thing at the beginning.


End file.
